Difference between revisions of "Wheel of Fortune"

Latest revision as of 02:48, June 2, 2016

So Tae Hong Min really hates Wheel of Fortune and took "like an hour" writing the following:

Fair Warning: If you don't want to read a long-winded post about Wheel of Fortune, just keep scrolling.

I fucking hate Wheel of Fortune. For me, the order goes

• Wheel of Fortune
• American Cheese
• Natural Ice

And here's why:

1) First and Foremost: Pat. Fucking. Sajak. At some point in the 1980's Sajak managed to land what would end up being one of the cushiest jobs of all of telecommunications, and he has continued riding the pony for the better part of four goddamn decades.I can't tell you what it was like in the past, but at this point this motherfucker brings as much passion to his job on a day-to-day basis as tuna salad sandwich left in a hot car in August. I aint even talking about some refreshing citrus or mustard-based tuna salad-no. I mean Mayonaise, tuna, white bread. In a car. Full stop. Go watch Wheel of Fortune right now, I fucking dare you. Sajak just stands there and watches people spin that comical hell-wheel and spout useless dispassionate small-talk like "Oh you're a nurse? That's cool or whatever." You can at least pretend like you still have a soul, Pat. Pretend that showbiz didn't drain what remained of your last ounces spirit years ago. But no, Sajak just stands there watching the game, offering less-than-half-hearted consolations, such as "oh brother," "too bad, so sad," or (http://tinyurl[dot]com/caacvzw) whenever some poor secretary loses a 12grand and a car from that blasted 'Bankrupt' panel in this infernal game of chance. If any other entity came to work on the daily with that level aloof and cold dis-interest, they would be A) fired on the spot, B) referred to a counselor, or C) put down by the appropriate authorities, one of those three things, and one of those three alone. AND THIS BASTARD MAKES 12MILLION DOLLARS DOING IT.

2)Vanna White. At some point in the 1990's, Vanna White apparently discovered the secret to human immortality (in more ways than one), and it seems, has since then shared that knowledge with absolutely no one. This woman does not fucking age, and this fact only becomes more horrifyingly clear as each year passes and everyone around her gets older, and she stays the same. At this rate, I should be juust about old enough to date Vanna White in about 10 years, and then 20 years after that, she'll be far too young for me, and then 20 years after that I will be deceased, and I assume she will be continuing the show with a hologram or cyborg version of Sajak. Couldn't say which for sure. Not only is this woman's physical appearance inexplicably eternal, but so is her job.

For those of you who might be too young to know this, allow me to explain. Wheel of fortune used to played with a large wooden paneled board, with the letters hidden individually with rotating hinges. When a player guessed a letter, someone was required to physically walk over to the correct spot on the board in order to reveal the letter- enter the lovely actress, Vanna White. It goes without saying that this job was technologically obsolete back in the bloody 80s, as soon as the production team could afford tube screens, or touch screens, or at this point, godamn fucking anything; and yet, it remains. Vanna White's career was made technologically and sociologically unnecessary and irrelevant DECADES ago, and YET. IT. REMAINS. She's basically the game-show equivalent of one of those old telephone operators physically connecting phone lines from one network. The only other place a similar job could exist in the 2010s is within the presence of Howie Mandell in the vein of "Deal or No Deal" (wow, what a title), and who the fuck wants to work with Howie Mandell?

3) That cursed fucking wheel. First, let me say this: At its core and most abstract sense, Wheel of Fortune is a simple and fantastic game. Players take turns guessing letters in order to be the first to guess the completed puzzle. It's, simple, straight-forward, and accessible to even the casual viewer watching the show. Simply put, it's fun. Despite that, it rewards clever and skilled players who have the raw intuition to just *know* what the end puzzle will probably be. Exciting, challenging, AND fun. But then....they add in the show's namesake, that Fucking Wheel of Fortune. Do you know how many times I've watched the country's greatest puzzle solvers just get totally erased by that dreaded thing? Racking up thousands of well-earned dollars and prizes, just to have it arbitrarily swept away over and over? Why even HAVE that 'Bankrupt' tile you sociopathic bastards?? Do you just like watching people lose things in a system beyond their control? Is it supposed to be some sort of allegory for the tragedy that life can be?

4) The juxtaposition. Adding insult to injury, in most broadcast regions, the luck-based cataclysm that is Wheel of Fortune airs back to back with the champion of game shows, "Jeopardy". Jeopardy. A game so brutally skill-based and dedicated to tradition and to game rules that it borders on antiquated or ceremonial. Jeopardy contestants must phrase all responses in the form of questions. No exceptions. Jeopardy contestants must answer all questions in 4 seconds. Answers delivered milliseconds late are invalid. Hell, I've seen Jeopardy showrunners take AWAY points from previous rounds because of pronunciations that weren't close enough to be 100% correct. JEOPARDY CONTESTANTS WILL RECEIVE WHAT THE EARN AND ONLY WHAT THEY EARN - NOTHING MORE AND CERTAINLY NOTHING LESS. Meanwhile, you have this nonsensical Wheel of Fortune next door making a mockery of everything a game show can be, and it's just, I just asoiudhqiuwakmna;ooihftykub,j,hjvhgdc

CdT Variant

Fair Warning: If you don't want to read a long-winded post about Cirque du Twerque, just keep scrolling.

I fucking hate Cirque du Twerque. For me, the order goes

• Cirque du Twerque
• Hackathon Hackers
• Post Aesthetics

And here's why:

1) First and Foremost: David. Fucking. Steinberg. At some point in 2015 Steinberg managed to land what would end up being one of the cushiest jobs of all of Facebook group administration, and he has continued riding the pony for the better part of nearly a whole goddamn year.I can't tell you what it was like in the past, but at this point this motherfucker brings as much passion to his job on a day-to-day basis as tuna salad sandwich left in a hot car in August. I aint even talking about some refreshing citrus or mustard-based tuna salad-no. I mean Mayonaise, tuna, white bread. In a car. Full stop. Go on Cirque du Twerque right now, I fucking dare you. Steinberg just stands there and watches people post screenshots of other posts and conversations and spout useless dispassionate filler content like "I see myself." You can at least pretend like you still have a soul, David. Pretend that shitposting didn't drain what remained of your last ounces spirit years ago. But no, Steinberg just stands there watching the group, offering less-than-half-hearted unfunny posts, such as "o shit waddup," "it me" or "married to the hustle" whenever some poor asshole posts a meme they spent months working on and get maybe three reactions total in this infernal game of chance. If any other entity came to work on the daily with that level aloof and cold dis-interest, they would be A) fired on the spot, B) referred to a counselor, or C) put down by the appropriate authorities, one of those three things, and one of those three alone. AND THIS BASTARD BECOMES A CELEBRITY MEMER DOING IT.

2)Lily Sellers. At some point, Lily Sellers apparently discovered the secret to human immortality (in more ways than one), and it seems, has since then shared that knowledge with absolutely no one. This woman does not fucking die, and this fact only becomes more horrifyingly clear as each month passes and some absurd bullshit happens to her, and somehow she's still not dead. This woman has bled from her eyeballs, gone through extreme stomach pains, and probably fell out of a fifth floor window. At this rate, I assume she will be continuing the group with a hologram or cyborg version of David in 80 years. Couldn't say which for sure. Not only is this woman inexplicably eternal, but so is her job. For those of you who might be too young to know this, allow me to explain. Cirque du Twerque used to be Circletwerk with a large number of satirical posts about hackathons, which occasionally trended toward personal attacks on members of Hackathon Hackers. When this was the case, someone was required to physically check on the group every once in a while and remove shitposts that had no place in the group- enter Lily Sellers. It goes without saying that this job was functionally obsolete after a few months, as soon as the group devolved into posting nothing but fucking rare pepes, screenshots of other Facebook groups, or at this point, just goddamn fucking trolley memes; and yet, it remains. Lily Sellers' career was made sociologically unnecessary and irrelevant MONTHS ago, and YET. IT. REMAINS. She's basically the Facebook-group equivalent of one of those old telephone operators physically connecting phone lines from one network. The only other place a similar job could exist in the 2010s is within the presence of admins in Hackathon Hackers (wow, what a name), and who the fuck wants to work with a bunch of entitled whiney white Silicon Valley prospects who can't go five minutes without saying "OH MY GOD DOES THIS MEME REMIND ANYONE THAT THEY PROGRAM?"

3) That cursed fucking report system. First, let me say this: At its core and most abstract sense, Facebook has a simple and fantastic code of conduct. People report posts that they feel might be offensive, a human employee at Facebook reviews the post and determines if it's a violation of the terms, and they remove it if so, and they don't otherwise. Simply put, it's harmless. Despite that, it rewards douchebags who have the raw intuition to just *know* that anything that's reported is going to be shown out of context regardless of the poster's intentions. Do you know how many fucking times I've watched the country's greatest shitposters just get totally erased by that dreaded shitshow? Racking up thousands of well-earned likes and comments, just to have it arbitrarily swept away over and over? Why even HAVE that 'Was this block made in error?' link you sociopathic bastards?? Do you just like watching people lose things in a system beyond their control? Is it supposed to be some sort of allegory for the tragedy that life can be?

4) The juxtaposition. Adding insult to injury, for most group members, the shitpost-based cataclysm that is Cirque du Twerque appears back to back with the champion of Facebook groups, HX. HX. A group so brutally intelligent and conversation-based and dedicated to post quality and the pursuit of knowledge that it borders on antiquated or ceremonial. HX posters must comply with a rigid content policy designed to weed out the lowest of low quality content. No exceptions. HX posters must contribute their own original thoughts to posts instead of just posting a link and adding "thoughts?". Posts that miss the mark on even one issue are marked and removed. Hell, I've seen HX admins REMOVE posts from hours or days before because of wording that wasn't close enough to be 100% correct. HX CONTRIBUTORS WILL RECEIVE WHAT THEY EARN AND ONLY WHAT THEY EARN - NOTHING MORE AND CERTAINLY NOTHING LESS. Meanwhile, you have this nonsensical Cirque du Twerque next door making a mockery of everything a Facebook group can be, and it's just, I just asoiudhqiuwakmna;ooihftykub,j,hjvhgdc